I looked at my blog today and realized that my last post was on my birthday. That break wasn’t intended to happen. I’ve sat down to my computer several times over the past week, at least every night, but still haven’t managed to produce anything for this blog. You see, life goes something like this.
Open WordPerfect x3. Type “A quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dogs” to warm up. (Yes, I’m silly but I find that when I follow that little ritual I make fewer typos. Superstition - if it works, don’t knock it!)
Hear a crash from the next room, followed by blood-curdling shrieks.
Jump up to investigate. Discover that Jude has hit Breydon in the head with a slat from their bunk bed because “he was going to sleep and not talking to me.”
Apply a cold compress to Breydon’s head while Jude hears the ominous phrase “wait until your father gets home.”
When Breydon is settled suddenly smell Roegen before you can see him as he walks into the room dressed in nothing, with dark body paint reminiscent of some Mayan rituals.
Throw the toddler on the potty with dire warnings about how disappointed and sad Dodo and Beeber would be if he poops on them and start hunting for the missing diaper and clothing that said toddler should be wearing.
Find clothes. Find diaper and portions of its contents decorating the crib. Strip crib of all bedding.
Return to bathroom to discover toddler is no longer on the potty but is instead brushing his tummy with his brother’s toothbrush.
Throw toothbrush in the trash. Toss Roegen in the bathtub. Scrub brown goo from his body while he screams “you hurt me Mommy, naughty Mommy.” Reminders that instead of playing with brown goo he can sit on the potty and earn rewards are met with disdain and silence.
Put clean pajamas on the toddler and place him in his crib. Realize there aren’t any sheets on the bed and go hunting for a set.
Return to the boys’ bedroom to see that the middle son is balancing on the headboard of the top bunk. Firmly remove Jude from his improvised balance beam and remind him that he’s in enough trouble already.
Turn to the crib. Discover that the toddler has already managed to escape and is now heading to the same top bunk that he saw his brother perched upon.
Make the crib. Throw Beeber and Dodo into bed. Toss Roegen in after. Ignore his scoldings and rantings of “no no night night, naughty Mommy.”
Ensure that Jude is firmly between his covers.
Check Breydon’s head. He’ll have a lovely goose-egg to show for the night’s adventure. Tuck him back into bed with a kiss and hug.
Take all of the dirty laundry generated by the toddler (and some other miscellaneous items) and throw it into the washing machine. Start a sanitary cycle.
Return to the computer without any idea of what the previous blog topic was. Come up with a new idea. Type “Jude said ‘there’s an elephant in my penis.’”
Have Roegen run into the room cheering “I wake Mommy, I wake.”
Return Roegen to his crib. Take a sleeping pill because Scott has pulled up outside, hoping that the drugs will kick quickly. Insomnia is a right royal pain in the arse.
Have Scott enter the house with groceries that need to be put away. Send him to talk with Jude and take over the wrestling of frozen foods.
Discover Ben and Jerry’s Strawberry Cheesecake mixed in with the rest of the groceries. Know that Ben and Jerry’s Strawberry Cheesecake is striving to stand out from the pack. Grab a spoon.
Return to the blog. Have no idea why Jude said “there’s an elephant in my penis” and try to come up with something new.
Thanks to Ben and Jerry I actually managed to get something finished tonight before the next crisis. I have no idea whether I’ll be able to do the same next time. It’s summer vacation and the kids are in great form.
So, I’ll write when I can. Hopefully that will happen more frequently than once a week.
Maybe I’ll even remember why Jude said there’s an elephant in his penis and decide that it’s something worth sharing with all of the blogosphere.
